hatred

Something I have yet to know how to handle.
A feeling that I apply on people who makes me cry.
Yes, it's possible to hate and love someone at the same time.

They say never to make a decision when you are sad.
Current emotion status: sad.

I shall not make any decisions.
The world is never fair. If it's fair, everyone would be equally loved, equally wealthy financially.
You just have to believe that you are loved, that's the only way you can carry on in life.

Sometimes I wonder, what is it that is out there for me?
My family can't provide me the emotional comfort for me. They on the other hand are the cause of my sadness in life, at least most of it.
But I know I can't rely on others to provide me emotional comfort.
I thought I have become numb. Oh wells, the tears I have now is a solid proof that I still have feelings.

As much as I try to convince myself that I am loved in every way, I can't help but to compare the amount of attention I receive compared to my other older siblings.
Maybe. I was born in the wrong family? I try not to believe it that way.
But ya, I was an accident. The unplanned. I know it's wrong to keep reminding myself like that, as the sadness will somehow be seeded

But this sadness has always been there since I have memory, particularly since I was in secondary school.
If I have a family and if it's going to be like this one that I am born in,  successful in terms of achievements but failure in all other aspects, I would rather not have one.

Is it so hard for asian parents to show love? I don't know what is wrong. If it's because of the asian culture and values, why doesnt other asian family face the same issue?
The way I was raised wasn't the best way for me, but it's the best way my parents knew. I have no choice but to correct their mistakes slowly. But it's not so easy. Such influences were planted for the past 21 years.

I might not have been neglected. But I definitely am compared with my other siblings.
Life is so unfair. and yet I have to love it.

I feel that. my life. is so confusing.